October 7, 2004 - The Fascist Starbucks Therapist

I Love Dick!

I just had a very strange experience at Starbucks. I was drinking my usual triple grande soy latte and reading the New York Times when a woman, who I hadn't noticed sitting next to me, said "do you know you are masturbating in Starbucks?"

The woman did not seem like the usual crazy person talking to their invisible friends (or enemies.) Needless to say I was somewhat startled and taken aback by her accusation.

I responded with "I'm masturbating to the New York Times?" She replied "You are masturbating in Starbucks and someone should call 911!"

It was all rather disconcerting. Masturbating? In Starbucks? I looked at the article in front of me and I saw a picture of Dick Cheney and I said to the woman "What? You think I am masturbating to Dick Cheney?" I pointed at the photo. "Yeah! Dick Cheney is Hot! Mmmmm Yeah!"

By this time we were both getting some interesting stares from the Yuppies and business execs around us (it was a downtown Starbucks.) I began to wonder why she thought I was masturbating. I think one of my hands had been under the table so somehow she had decided I was whacking-off, and as you know I am usually dressed as a crazy unshaven bum so this assumption of hers was an easy one to make.

Well, not really, but there had to be some reason why someone who didn't seem to be crazy was accosting people in Starbucks with weird sexual statements. I looked at her more closely and I noticed that she was dressed in a stereotypical Berkeley woolly sweater with a equally stereotypical leftist haircut. Now I don't know if she was from Berkeley or even if she was a leftist, however, of even more interest to me was that she was reading a book called Mass Control.

This was all rather bizarre, however, there was more to come. After my observations of her and the situation I said "You know, lady, you might want to learn to not make assumptions. Just because you think something is true doesn't mean that it is."

She responded with "I'm a therapist. I know all about this." A therapist? It was all starting to make sense. "You know that a lot of crazy people become therapists" I continued. This wasn't particularly pleasing to her and she spat back "you need some help!"

My initial consternation and annoyance had turned into a sort of humorous bemusement and I said "I think it's time for you to go." She glowered at me and said yet again "you were masturbating in Starbucks!" This was getting very repetitive so I handed her my New York Times and said "care to look at what I was um... masturbating to?" She swatted the paper onto the floor, got up and started to walk out. Suddenly, she turned around and said, to anyone in earshot, while holding her copy of Mass Control, that I was a "a fucking fascist!" With that, she stormed out the door and onto the streets of downtown San Francisco.

And the moral of the story? When you are at Starbucks reading the New York Times make sure to keep both hands on the table!

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